“The greatest way to say something is to say nothing at all” -JT

I am embarrassed by my lengthy absence, yet, this is part of my living as a survivor of CSA. I have not been doing very well at all and I have been isolating myself.

I hate myself so much and I hate that I am forced to live this life because of this fucker’s greed. I wish I could hang him by his balls with steel wire.

If you learn anything from my blog, please let it be that being a survivor is an everyday struggle which is not always visible. Be kind to everyone

Thanks for listening

Is it just me?

Hi again and welcome to my thoughts. Here I am triggered again and I hate my life.

I feel let down by someone extremely close to me. We talk everyday but one day she was busy with someone else and she did not call or text me. My husband is out of town for three days and I am lonely AF. Been crying on and off since yesterday and I’m left wondering again if I’m too damn sensitive. Is it fair of me to ask people to be extra aware of how their actions might affect me? I’d probably be way lonelier than I am now if I expected that. I don’t want to suck people’s energy out of them but I also don’t know how to get through life situations without overthinking everything.

After writing this, I realize that I am healing though because I feel like I deserve respect where beforehand, I just accepted that I am worthless and not deserving of much. I’m grateful for this.

Are you ok?

It is so sad that today someone asked me if I am ok and that seemingly simple question brought me to uncontrollable tears. I guess I am glad it was through text so that the person didn’t see me crying and I could go on pretending like I am, in fact, just fine.

Part of me was crying because I now realize that the person knows me too well and I can’t hide anything anymore but it’s more the idea that the person cared enough to ask that got me. This is something I am not used to experiencing, that feeling like someone actually cares enough to ask how I am.

We rarely know the impact of our actions but sometimes, that simple question can change a person’s day hopefully in a positive way.

I am asking you now…How are you? Please feel free to tell me about your day because I’m listening

Celebrate the Victories

Hi everyone, I have been thinking about posting for a long time. I really prefer heartfelt and emotional posts. I actually write best when I am triggered and my emotions are raw. However, two months is way too long between posts.

I have noticed small changes in the way I see things. I am not sure why but I am able to see positive aspects in my day more than I have been before. To be honest, does it really matter why I am changing? It would be nice to understand the changes but at this point, I am just going to run with it.

The fact that I am willing to celebrate and point out my small or larger victories is groundbreaking. I am an emotional eater and food addict, I will eat almost anything. A few weeks ago, a cake made its way into my house, it was a cake that I generally do not like. Even when strung with emotion, I did not eat it. That’s massive for me. I am able to see that rather than all the other times that I binged.

Sometimes, it isn’t necessarily pointing out steps but also the way we view events. We can always find a silver lining in any experience. A minor example: last week, I was supposed to attend an event which was not far from my house which I missed. I knew there was another one coming up this week, although it is further away from home. I wasn’t sure if I would go or not but I realize that it is time alone in my car with my music blaring. What could be bad?!

I invite you to celebrate your victories with me no matter how large or small.

Thanks for listening

Have a good one 😊

Parenting my inner child

About a million times a day, I remind myself how stupid I am. I push myself down and beat myself up for the most minute things imaginable. It’s my default, my go to reaction. I have been advised several times by several different people how I can try nurturing my inner child, the part of me that is so broken beyond belief. They explain that I would not talk to a child the way I do when I put myself down so why do I talk to my inner child in such horrible ways. I started carrying a picture of myself from when I was young and when I tell myself that I’m stupid, I am supposed to take out the picture and talk to her, to console her, and to reassure her that everything is ok.

Everything I did as a child was wrong in the eyes of others and I wanted acceptance so badly. I would have done anything and everything simply to be told: “hey, you did a great job.” The sad part of it is that I still would do anything for that validation. I am always helping people even if it is completely inconvenient for me because I want to be praised, recognized, and valued. I’m still chasing the dream and I am not any closer than I was then.

I have come to realize that I need to provide MYSELF with validation. I need to be my own best friend. I cannot rely on others. However, putting that into practice is indescribably more difficult. I have learned through my journey that baby steps count. I know it is cliche but it’s progress, not perfection that counts. My knowledge of what needs to happen has been present for quite some time, years perhaps, yet there hasn’t yet been a change. Sometimes I feel pure desperation and frustration, I feel like change will never come. I feel like in this area of healing, I’m facing a brick wall thicker and higher than I can ever imagine. I think this area is my biggest struggle.

I learned a few days ago that my abuse impacts every single area of my life whether or not I’m aware of it. It’s so unbelievably sad. This semester, I am taking a class which has been taught by a specific professor for years yet this semester, it’s not. My rationale is that because he saw I am in the class, he decided not to teach it. My self-esteem is so low and the only way for me to raise it is to be gentle on myself, to tell my nine year old self that that she’s just fine as she is, that none of what happened to her is her fault, and to acknowledge her progress. It’ll come…..

How do you deal with bashing yourself?