A lonely night

I hate the weekends. I used to be a carefree party animal but now, I’m too scared to look like a freak so I pretty much keep to myself. Lacking confidence sucks. I joined meetup groups, I RSVP to some events and then I cancel the night before because I’m too scared.

I keep checking my email in hopes that someone is thinking of me but nope, reality hits again. Texted someone asking if I could come over but she didn’t respond. Don’t want to call her because I can imagine her looking at the phone waiting for it to stop ringing, glad that she was able to avoid me.

Yup, another day in the life of someone dealing with trauma because some dickhead was too selfish.

Some people are happy to be alone. Not me, all stemming back to the idea that I crave validation from others. I need to be with others to feel valued. Hence, a never ending sick cycle.

How do you overcome loneliness?

Thanks

Triggered again

Took a nap, had a nightmare and was stuck in awful place for quite some time. Couldn’t move, couldn’t stop crying, was shaking, couldn’t discern what is reality and what is not.

Sucks that I’m trying to heal but feeling like I’m never going to get better. I’ve been feeling doomed, like I will commit suicide but it’s a just a matter of when. I despise being triggered, worst fucking thing in the world because ALL the pain comes flooding back. Wish I could have died in the nightmare and have it come true. I can’t kill myself because I have four kids.

As usual, a glimpse into the life of someone trying to survive through the repercussions of being raped. Will anybody ever understand the pain?

Self-Acceptance is key

Sure…as if it’s so easy. Throughout life, I have been seeking validation, acceptance, and love from others. Spoiler alert: didn’t get me very far and I never found what I’m looking for from others.

There is not one single day where the effects of being raped are not felt! Let that sink in. Because of one sick selfish prick I am in a fucking prison and the only way to be released is an insane amount of work to heal. I don’t think I will ever find the words to express what my life is like as a result of trauma. Each and every day, my body is in stress response, I am in fight/flight/freeze. A constant feeling of high alert….well, isn’t that healthy 😔 again, all because of a selfish teenager who couldn’t think ahead of consequences and repercussions, this thing had no concept of empathy and I am paying the price.

Here I am in an emotionally abusive marriage because I needed love and validation. It’s not like I could have healed and then gotten married because I don’t think I’ll ever be healed. What matters now is that I am taking baby steps to stand up for myself. Nowhere near self acceptance but I’m finally ready to say that I won’t tolerate being put down any more.

I wish you all the strength to start healing from whatever hurts you and to start taking positive steps to change.

Thanks for listening