Each Monday I have a class which is triggering. I feel like a poster child of dysfunction when I’m in that class. It’s not easy. Today we spoke about eating disorders. I am incredibly pleased that my professor mentioned Binge Eating Disorder which is now included in the DSM V. Since my parents were divorced when I was 9 (now I’m 41), I have been a closet eater. It was always so difficult to express what the disorder is to people. There’s much more to it than closet eating but that’s for another day.
Anyways, after class today I thought I would go to Starbucks to treat myself to my favorite vanilla latte while studying. Isn’t it crazy how I immediately started doubting my choice? I felt I should go home, make dinner and clean up. I became unsure about studying while my kids took part in a homework program or getting my kids and going home. Such a seemingly simple decision was crippling. I was literally crying and I felt so unbelievably lonely. This led me to suicidal thoughts. All this to say that my experiences with abuse have brought me to a place where I cannot trust myself. I sometimes feel inadequate in making decisions and I feel that I need guidance from others because how can I possibly know what’s best??!! Again, it’s part and parcel of being raised with the message that I am stupid. The best part is that after about twenty minutes of torture, I was able to turn on quiet music and bring myself to Starbucks. It was the best latte ever!!!
It may be difficult to believe in ourselves, it may be difficult to trust ourselves no matter what we have experienced but you know yourself best. Trust yourself, its way easier than torture. Thanks for being here