PTSD shows it’s ugly face again in full force

I rarely write in the midst of crisis but I’ve gotta get it out. This blog is to try to get people to understand the effects of rape and PTSD so no filters here

I f******g hate my brain! I’m going out for dinner with a friend tomorrow night and she suggested a restaurant I have been to with my mother and her selfish prick who should rot in a swamp. I froze as soon as the name of the restaurant was suggested. THAT is what PTSD is! I do not yet have the freedom to go through a day without fears and triggers.

I was frozen on my couch for a while feeling like a baby who’s not getting her way but holy crap, that is so not the case. It was difficult to explain to my friend what I was feeling nor did I want to be a victim again. I feel like I should “just get over it” because that’s what society tells us to do.

I’m a prisoner to this damn PTSD tonight, stuck in a flashback and trigger. Again, because some lowlife monster was too selfish.

Stronger than we believed

Step by step, I’m showing myself how strong I am and how far I have come.

Yes, I was abused as a child but I never told you that I was emotionally abused in my marriage. I finally decided that it’s enough and we are now officially separated. We have spoken about divorce several times throughout our 18 years together but I finally decided that it’s never going to be healthy. The strength necessary to take that leap is MASSIVE, especially when being abused. When getting married. I had false hopes. Being put down and again, told that I’m not good enough makes it that much harder to get up and leave. I wish I knew what is contributing to this change but I know that it has spilled over into other areas.

I will never give advice but I am here to build you up if I can. I wish those living in similar situations to find their strength to leave. I love you and I’m sending massive hugs.

This resource is for Quebec. I know it is not always ideal but another option is 911.

http://www.sosviolenceconjugale.ca

A lonely night

I hate the weekends. I used to be a carefree party animal but now, I’m too scared to look like a freak so I pretty much keep to myself. Lacking confidence sucks. I joined meetup groups, I RSVP to some events and then I cancel the night before because I’m too scared.

I keep checking my email in hopes that someone is thinking of me but nope, reality hits again. Texted someone asking if I could come over but she didn’t respond. Don’t want to call her because I can imagine her looking at the phone waiting for it to stop ringing, glad that she was able to avoid me.

Yup, another day in the life of someone dealing with trauma because some dickhead was too selfish.

Some people are happy to be alone. Not me, all stemming back to the idea that I crave validation from others. I need to be with others to feel valued. Hence, a never ending sick cycle.

How do you overcome loneliness?

Thanks

Triggered again

Took a nap, had a nightmare and was stuck in awful place for quite some time. Couldn’t move, couldn’t stop crying, was shaking, couldn’t discern what is reality and what is not.

Sucks that I’m trying to heal but feeling like I’m never going to get better. I’ve been feeling doomed, like I will commit suicide but it’s a just a matter of when. I despise being triggered, worst fucking thing in the world because ALL the pain comes flooding back. Wish I could have died in the nightmare and have it come true. I can’t kill myself because I have four kids.

As usual, a glimpse into the life of someone trying to survive through the repercussions of being raped. Will anybody ever understand the pain?