A lonely night

I hate the weekends. I used to be a carefree party animal but now, I’m too scared to look like a freak so I pretty much keep to myself. Lacking confidence sucks. I joined meetup groups, I RSVP to some events and then I cancel the night before because I’m too scared.

I keep checking my email in hopes that someone is thinking of me but nope, reality hits again. Texted someone asking if I could come over but she didn’t respond. Don’t want to call her because I can imagine her looking at the phone waiting for it to stop ringing, glad that she was able to avoid me.

Yup, another day in the life of someone dealing with trauma because some dickhead was too selfish.

Some people are happy to be alone. Not me, all stemming back to the idea that I crave validation from others. I need to be with others to feel valued. Hence, a never ending sick cycle.

How do you overcome loneliness?

Thanks

Triggered again

Took a nap, had a nightmare and was stuck in awful place for quite some time. Couldn’t move, couldn’t stop crying, was shaking, couldn’t discern what is reality and what is not.

Sucks that I’m trying to heal but feeling like I’m never going to get better. I’ve been feeling doomed, like I will commit suicide but it’s a just a matter of when. I despise being triggered, worst fucking thing in the world because ALL the pain comes flooding back. Wish I could have died in the nightmare and have it come true. I can’t kill myself because I have four kids.

As usual, a glimpse into the life of someone trying to survive through the repercussions of being raped. Will anybody ever understand the pain?

Self-Acceptance is key

Sure…as if it’s so easy. Throughout life, I have been seeking validation, acceptance, and love from others. Spoiler alert: didn’t get me very far and I never found what I’m looking for from others.

There is not one single day where the effects of being raped are not felt! Let that sink in. Because of one sick selfish prick I am in a fucking prison and the only way to be released is an insane amount of work to heal. I don’t think I will ever find the words to express what my life is like as a result of trauma. Each and every day, my body is in stress response, I am in fight/flight/freeze. A constant feeling of high alert….well, isn’t that healthy 😔 again, all because of a selfish teenager who couldn’t think ahead of consequences and repercussions, this thing had no concept of empathy and I am paying the price.

Here I am in an emotionally abusive marriage because I needed love and validation. It’s not like I could have healed and then gotten married because I don’t think I’ll ever be healed. What matters now is that I am taking baby steps to stand up for myself. Nowhere near self acceptance but I’m finally ready to say that I won’t tolerate being put down any more.

I wish you all the strength to start healing from whatever hurts you and to start taking positive steps to change.

Thanks for listening

Don’t know what changed

Something hit me last night, not really sure what made me ready for it.

I decided to give myself the positive reinforcement and validation I have been seeking from others for so long. I decided last night that just for today, whatever I do will be good enough. Just for today, I do not need others to tell me that I am ok because I can tell myself. It is so freeing!!!!

The past few months have been hell on earth for many reasons. I have heard that in order to rise, we need to hit deep despair. I am proud that I decided to change my ways and to really and truly start to love myself.

What positive changes have you made in your life?

“The greatest way to say something is to say nothing at all” -JT

I am embarrassed by my lengthy absence, yet, this is part of my living as a survivor of CSA. I have not been doing very well at all and I have been isolating myself.

I hate myself so much and I hate that I am forced to live this life because of this fucker’s greed. I wish I could hang him by his balls with steel wire.

If you learn anything from my blog, please let it be that being a survivor is an everyday struggle which is not always visible. Be kind to everyone

Thanks for listening

Is it just me?

Hi again and welcome to my thoughts. Here I am triggered again and I hate my life.

I feel let down by someone extremely close to me. We talk everyday but one day she was busy with someone else and she did not call or text me. My husband is out of town for three days and I am lonely AF. Been crying on and off since yesterday and I’m left wondering again if I’m too damn sensitive. Is it fair of me to ask people to be extra aware of how their actions might affect me? I’d probably be way lonelier than I am now if I expected that. I don’t want to suck people’s energy out of them but I also don’t know how to get through life situations without overthinking everything.

After writing this, I realize that I am healing though because I feel like I deserve respect where beforehand, I just accepted that I am worthless and not deserving of much. I’m grateful for this.